For anyone who hasn't seen it yet, "Celebrity Rehab" on VH1 is an intense experience. It's much more serious than "Flavor of Love," and much more real. What struck me the most after watching it were the moments of truth--the patients stopping the minimizing of their addictions and revealing the traumatic experiences in their pasts that seem to lead to the addiction. The patient must drop his/her facade and admit some ugly truths, which leads to recovery. It also reveals that taking care of the addiction means taking care of the root problem that caused the addiction. These are people who fooled the rest of the world, for years, into thinking they had their lives under control and had no demons.
In probate litigation, getting to the root of the problem is key. Still, when clients first come in, they may present a completely different set of concerns. They also tend not to reveal any ugly truths about themselves. I've developed a pretty good radar over the years, after being misled by so many people. If the first story I hear doesn't make logical sense, there's going to be more and it's most likely not flattering--this could be their past/current jail/prison time, the restraining order against them for crazy threats, misappropriation of funds or their desire to misappropriate some funds. It's a lot like a first date--you won't know what that person's really like until several dates later.
Most people don't want to admit that a large part of what they're seeking is money--they think they'll sound greedy. In this arena, it's perfectly OK to talk about money, as the best result in a probate court case is a fair division of the money and other assets. It doesn't make you a bad person, just a normal one. And I'd rather not be surprised at mediation to find out you really in fact do want your fair share of the estate. Actually, after this many years of practice, I just operate on the assumption that you want your share. If some evil caretaker/brother/sister/stepfather/stepmother/tennis pro took my parents' estate, I'd want it back too!
The other hidden motives may have nothing to do with money, but are important to understand when trying to reach a fair settlement. People often find themselves fighting in probate court over years-old problems: a missed invitation to a Christmas dinner, not enough respect shown to a new spouse, not sharing a limousine at the funeral, feelings that a sibling received too much in gifts/help over the years, the husband who didn't let his second wife know he was still in love with and intimate with his first wife, the secret illegitimate children (who are full and legitimate heirs under the law), adopted vs. natural children, and in one case, the theft of a coin collection 20 years prior that mother decided to let go. These injustices smolder for years, and then explode after someone's death. They may have been keeping the peace until Mom dies, then all of a sudden it's "You owe me for that @(#)$*@#)*$ coin collection, you @#)($*@#)(*!"
Unfortunately, litigation will not right these wrongs. Nor do judges have any patience for, or interest in, these wrongs. The mediation process, however, does allow for some airing of grievances--this often proves cathartic and leads to a good settlement. People pretend they're above such feelings, but they're not. I hope I could forgive my brother for getting a better bike than me for Christmas in 1977, but I may not be able to. And like most children (adult or otherwise) I see, both my brother and I are sure that our parents loved the other one more. We're probably both right.
In the end, I wish professional therapy was part of the process. I'm wanting to involve it as part of my process, at least in some cases, precisely because the legal system can't fix emotional hurts. But addressing the emotional hurts means a better chance at resolving the legal dispute.
One final thing: it also helps to be veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery honest with your lawyer when you're preparing your will and trust. Try to anticipate what the problems will be after your death. Don't worry about scaring or offending us, we've most likely heard worse. And it means an estate plan that's less likely to wind up in court later. It can seem daunting when you have second (or eighth) spouses, drug-addicted children, tax evaders, gamblers and reality-TV stars as beneficiaries, but there are excellent ways to take care of all of them.
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